Fake Bible Verses -- The Ephemera


I have some commentary on the Netflix Documentary “the Social Dilemma” that I was going to post. But everything just feels so serious and crazy to me right now, I thought it might be good just to give everything a bit of a break.

A while ago some friends of mine and I had this competition to write fake Bible Verses. These are the cream of the crop. Add your own in the comments. It’s big fun.

“Oh whereth thine gold of plenty? For it is I who has been at task for hours of three”

— Millennials 23:5

“Know thyself through the likes of many”

— Selfies 10:1

“In the latter days, beasts of no talent and large humps shall be born unto your family. And, for this reason, talents of gold, and rare gifts from unwise men will be showered upon your house.”

— 2nd Kardashians 8:23

“And he broke the bread and spread upon it the churned milk of the mayonnaise tree,”

— Condiments 16:3

“And yea, harken unto me, child. Though the Charms give you great joy, it tis but fleeting, for the Lucky is truly thy part of thy balanced breakfast.”

— Grains 7:15

“Righten to tighten, leften to do the devil’s work.”

— Mnemonics 14:2

“Seek not to knoweth whose fault it was. The fault is thine.”

— Blames 7:7

“The reckoning of man shall be divided according to the part of parts and the part of labor.”

— Mechanics 1:2

“To every hand there is a season. A time to hold, a time to fold, a time of walking and a time in which thou must flee.”

— Gamblers 3:16

“Must thou receive the body of Christ alone? Neh! Haveth thou tried with the butter of nuts? The cheeses of cows? Or the many soups of our land?”

— Saltines 17:3

“And when my legs have failed me he brought unto me a chair with wheels. And when the way grew steep, he hath provided the elevator.”

— Invalids 9:21

“And so sayeth those of the wrench’d: Ensurest thou that the heated water and the unheated water come not together, and that the feverish water be not on the right, and that effluent rolleth unto the lowest places of the land”

— Plumbers 4:14-15

“The Ford works in mysterious ways”

— Mechanics 11:

“And ye shall speak to the solicitors among ye so that they may say unto the robed host that which ye have related.”

— Affidavits 12:3

“And cause the slow and mis-shapened among you to be taken to the unclean place of the city and cast in a pit with the refuse and potsherds.”

— Eugenics 3:17

“Let he among you who is without sin throw the first stone, so that we might gang up on that self-righteous prick.”

— Blames 21:12

“For only if ye hath Somite and antennae and mandible and maxillae shall ye truly know the ocean floor.”

— Crustaceans 12:7

“The work to which ye are called cannot be subscribed to without the work of it, yet you cannot know the work without you have already done.”

— Absurdities 16:9

“Then were they curs’d — forced to live by the sweat of brow, the grease of hands, the turn of wrench and the pad of estimates.”

— Mechanics 7:15

“If it is too loud, behold, thou are ancient among men.”

— Reverbs 5:17

“I am that I was but not what I will be hence that I was once before being.”

— Confusions 2:15

“For only a thirsty man who shall enterth without thy shoes, thy coat belt or bag, who hath sureenderyh thy most sacred of possessions to thy tiny tray shall enter thy kingdom within”

— Transportations 7:1

“An eye before eee less thy proceede sea”

— Mnemonics 6:8

“It is I who sayeth the word for the word that is said be from I who who sayeth the word for the word that is said … Be from I …”

— repetitions 3:3:3:3:3

“For we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world if it be 3.5oz or more.”

— Transportations 12:1