An Experiment in "News"

I don't know if I can the 2024 news cycle lying down

Hunter S. Thompson said, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” And I think it’s going to get very weird indeed.

Hell, it’s weird already. So to protect my sanity, I have this crazy idea. I don’t know if I will follow through on it, but right now it’s got everything. It’s timely, it’s topical, it involves AI and best of all it’s pure king-hell screwing around. Fun, they used to call it.

So here’s the thought. Resurrect the greatest journalists, essayists, commentators and prose stylists who have ever lived and use them to produce a daily newspaper that I would delight in reading every day. Is this insane? You betcha! Is it impossible? Well… maybe not.

See, I’ve been using AI a lot. And one of the things that I’ve learned to do is to get it to write in distinct styles. No model really knows what to say, but if it’s been trained on enough of a writer’s prose is sure knows how to say it. So, with a good enough prompt that includes an angle for the bit, it writes a pretty good first draft, really quick. With a little editing… well, see for yourself.

Some Guy Named Doug Drops Out of Presidential Race.

By Don Rickles

North Dakota governor Doug Burgum thinks he's ready for the big time as president? This dope couldn't lead a tour through the White House, let alone live there! This stiff makes Al Gore look electrifying. President Burgum? I got a better chance of becoming the Prince of Wales! This chump's so boring his hometown named a rest stop after him. The only reason he’s famous in North Dakota is because everyone else left!

His Secret Service codename would have been Milquetoast. Take a hint Doug (to off-stage) is his name Doug, Douglas, no, it’s Doug (to audience) Take the hint Dougie pack up your spreadsheet and head back to Ho-Hum Hill. You ain't ready for the big show jellyfish, get off the stage

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/04/us/politics/doug-burgum-2024-campaign.html

Werner Hertzog on the Westminster Dog Show

What Rough Beast is this that Slouches Towards Westminster to Be Shorn?

Once again the strange human ritual of the dog show has concluded, and a new champion of so-called "Best in Show" has been crowned. Buddy Holly, a Petit Basset Griffon Vendéen - one of nature's inscrutable creations - prevailed in this pageant of supposed "pedigree."

A dog show champion is but a coddled simpleton, denied the rugged wisdom earned through struggle and adversity. Time ravages our vain conceits. Yet always, the dog remains - loyal, honest, neither judging nor judged. We gaze at Buddy Holly and see only shadows on the cave wall. The dog's soul stays majestically beyond our grasp.

https://www.foxsports.com/stories/westminster-kennel-club/2023-westminster-dog-show-buddy-holly-the-pbgv-crowned-best-in-show

Hunter S. Thompson on a possible Conor McGregor IRISH Presidential Run

Concussions are the Poor Man’s Peyote

I'm hunkered down in this sump of a Dublin pub with a gut full of whiskey, nursing my wounds after getting the living hell beaten out of me by a pack of rogue leprechauns. I made the mistake of asking those sadistic little broccoli-colored gnomes where to score some peyote in this bog-cursed land, and they answered by whaling on me with their shillelaghs.

As I lay, dying they told St. Patty ran off all the good psychedelics when he purged the snakes from Ireland. I'm left with nothing but whiskey to blast away the pain. 

I must have blacked in my convalescence because suddenly everybody is babbling about some maniac named Conor McGregor running for president of this soggy abattoir. A bloody cage fighter turned demagogue, just what Ireland needs! If that atavistic ape wins, he'll probably make whiskey and poorly aimed punches the national pastimes. 

I tried to score some amphetamine suppositories from a guy outside named Mad Malachy but he stole my wallet and clocked me in the jaw. Why does everything on this island want to punch me? I sense McGregor’s sinister powers taking hold. This country has done its best to crush my spirit, but by all that's unholy, my brain still yearns to be freed. Next stop, the madhouse. We'll see who breaks first, me or this demented leprechaun diaspora.

https://www.irishmirror.ie/sport/conor-mcgregor-hints-presidential-election-31596004

Mr. Rogers Last Person on Earth to Give George Santos Benefit of the Doubt

Hi neighbors! It's me, Mr. Rogers. I have some sad news to share today about a new friend of ours named Mr. Santos. Now, sometimes when people want something really badly, like being part of Congress, they tell lies to try and get it. Mr. Santos told some big lies about his job and his money and his background. And even though lying is never the right thing to do, I know Mr. Santos' heart was probably in the right place. He just got a little lost.

Correction: Mr. Santos’ heart was not in the right place.

Military Aid Bill Stuck In Congress as Future of Expense Accounts Hang in the Balance

By H.L. Mencken

"What's this twaddle I hear about Congress dithering on approving military aid for Ukraine and Israel? Good heavens, think of the poor defense contractors! Their tables may go bare if the rivers of cash from Uncle Sam are not soon uncorked.

Pay no mind to any squawking over immigration or other such trifles. No sacrifice is too great to keep the defense industry satiated, I say. Let us empty the Treasury and dragoon the lumpenproles if needed - anything to prevent such privation! 

Supreme Court to Hear Sackler Opioid Settlement Case

By John Madden

This Supreme Court case over the Sackler family and OxyContin is a real bruiser. On one side, you've got the Sacklers, who made billions selling their pain pills while folks got addicted. The family wants protection from future lawsuits while keeping a lot of their money. On the other side, you've got victims and the government who say “Hold on just a second here! This settlement lets the Sacklers off easy while people suffered.”

Now the Supreme Court's trying to figure out how to split the uprights on this one. Some Justices say these kinds of deals happen all the time. But say this settlement seems fishy. 

I don't envy the Justices who have to make this call. But hey, they’re the biggest refs in the land. And there’s no instant replay. I mean you think, if you’re gonna be the “Supreme” Court, you should at least be able to roll back the tape.

H.L. Mencken on GTA VI

In the grand theatre of human folly, Grand Theft Auto VI is set to be a standout performance, a grotesque pantomime that reflects not the world as it is, but the world as it is seen through the warped lens of its creators and consumers

If we stare deeply into this abyss and we will see not just the game, but our hollow-eyed selves, staring back and the sight will be a sobering one indeed.

Special Correspondent John of Patmos on the Arlington House Explosion

And I Saw a House, Burning in the Night

And I saw beside the River Potomac, a troubled man, beset by demons, discharging flares into the quiet streets. The agents of Babylon surrounded his house, yet he rained more fire down upon them from his arsenal of violence. 

When the of Babylon sought to parley, flames and smoke billowed high into the darkening sky as the dwelling was consumed utterly.

The explosion was heard throughout the land, yet the man had vanished. Only a great smoking crater remained, like unto the Lake of Fire. Let all neighbors clamor and live in fear for these are the days of calamity and tribulation, as foretold. Let him who has ears hear! The hour of judgment approaches. 

https://apnews.com/article/arlington-virginia-house-explosion-flare-gun-b73119f6aa7a54d3bae81f868e9d78c8

Mamet and Costello on the Sackler Opioid Case

Costello: So what's the deal with this Sackler case? They peddled smack, made bank. Now they walk?

Mamet: Walk. Yes. They walk, glide… glide on rivers of money. Money sucked from bones, bones ground to dust by victims who felt nothing because of those foul pills they peddled. 

Costello: You want to try speaking that so’s a fella can understand it? 

Mamet: Palms greased with blood money. Golden  handcuffs snap on a blindfolded Lady Justice.

Costello: Hey Ma-met! They can’t get away with that. The law will catch them. The court, right? 

Mamet: Here’s the thing ad deal would help the Sacklers more than victims. But no deal maybe leaves the victims zilch. Quite the picklement.

Costello: Picklement, shmicklement! Let's just punch 'em in the snoot already!

Mamet: Who?

Costello: That’s what I’m asking!

CORMAC MCCARTHY’S SUN SIGNS

ARIES: The stars grind silent over destinies writ in sand. Heed no fool's gold in lover's promises. Oases shrivel to bitter mirage. Wander alone.

TAURUS: Seek not solace in distant lands. Blight haunts all horizons. Tend rather your blighted plot. Let no fabled city distract from the desolation without.

GEMINI: Riches lie buried beyond reach. Idols hold only dust. Thieves circle, awaiting darkness. Keep gun close and eye open.

CANCER: At the salt mines enemies abound, envious of your stool. Guard your terrain warily. Words breed strife. Keep own counsel.

LEO: This damaged orb careens on toward oblivion. Still, walk gently as you can, leave no track. Seek what green remains.

VIRGO: Call your brother if you will, but despair not at his silence. Kinship means little when hellhounds roam.

LIBRA: In the end, all roads meet darkness. For now, stay wakeful. The dawn brings no friend. Let no man know your heart.

SCORPIO: The day's tasks loom, unrelenting as the indifferent sun. There will be tolling labor and wearing fatigue. And always the lurking dread, the desolation. But you will drive on, because that is all there is.

SAGITTARIUS: The past's phantoms are too terrible to reckon, so you face only the road ahead. Keep the tank full, your nerve steady as the slow miles roll by. Have faith that somewhere further on some meager comfort waits in this barren, forsaken place.

CAPRICORN: In ravaged towns you may find forgotten tools to aid survival - search the decayed shops and houses. But trespass wary, lest thieves or worse await. And on the barren roads, scavenge castoff machinery for trade or repair..

AQUARIUS: Romance is a faded dream - do not be fooled by longing. Guard your heart and keep solitary. Yet even wastelands have oases where kindness survives. Help strangers and they may reveal hidden springs.

PISCES: Onward across ashen wastes. The horizons yet shimmer with promise for those hardened against adversity's blows. Stay wary, stay resolute. And fortune may favor you under these scoured stars.